Ho Humbug

In an effort to bring smiles to countless faces, let’s assume that I devote some hard earned free-time to the inner lining of a Santa suit. I know. I know. It's a stretch, just bear with me.

A midnight craving for milk and cookies won't cut it if you strive to fill the boots of a high-profile Mr. Claus. You can't just drive to the nearest strip mall, waltz through the white picket fence surrounding the North Pole, throw down a few territorial elves, and claim the throne. That's not how it works. If you do choose this route, however, a trailer park version of a Santa suit--complete with red long johns and black galoshes--will help. But more sophisticated options exist.

Westaff trains and supplies Santas throughout Australia. Perhaps they solve the many mysteries of Santahood. "Ho ho ho" is easy enough, but what about the rest? How do you handle the third soaking of your pant leg? How much glue must you apply to your face to make the beard look natural? How do you keep those enormous pants up? These tips are helpful, but Westaff had a little something extra stuffed down their stockings.

Management felt that 2007 was the year to censor Santa. They told their trainees, "No more 'ho ho ho.'" Apparently "ho ho ho" had frightened too many children. Of course the whole Santa ensemble wouldn't have contributed to the fear factor now would it? Thousands of pictures document terror but consider the lurking political correctness or lack there of? Don't you know that the word "ho" is offensive to women. Oh! the injustice. They offered instead "ha ha ha."

O.K. “'Ha ha ha,' you’re idiots.” I'm sorry, maybe that's a bit brash.

Come on. You can’t take away Santa’s Bam. Just think if they censored Emeril--claiming that the expression "Bam!" was offensive. Say instead "ha" and say it softly. It doesn’t, and won’t, work.

Let's take a quick glance at what preceded political correctness. "Ho ho ho," by definition, is an expression of laughter, and has been recorded since c1150. That's a lot of frightened children. In the derogatory sense, ho (still considered slang) evolved as an abreviation of whore. Whore wasn't recorded until the mid 1500s. The original Saint Nicholas lived around 300AD. The egg of "politically correct" didn't crack until the late 1900s. It seems only fair that Father Christmas be grandfathered into the whole "ho ho ho" deal.

So in honor of the fat man, a paganized holiday, and my hillbilly Santa suit . . . "'Ho, ho, ho,' bitches!"